So this Sunday I was completely inattentive at Mass. For some reason Alicia decided to sit near me and she drove me to distraction. I can't even really recall what it was she was doing. The few things I do remember is that from the opening song, where she was lying down in the pew, I wanted her to at least SIT. It was a struggle to say the least. Holding Hannah with Alicia sitting next to us didn't work well for my participation or mental presence during Mass.
At one point Alicia wanted her crackers and then Hannah had to have some. Alicia started feeding Hannah some and then I did a few, at which point totally without thought, I ate the rest of one of the goldfish that Hannah had because, well, it was crumbling into small pieces. The second I put it in my mouth I thought, oh no. I can't go to communion now. What the... Having missed mass last week and messing up my chance for communion this week, I was torn because I really wanted to just go up and receive communion like it was no big deal. But it IS a big deal - this is THE LORD! So what did I do? I went up with everyone during communion, when I got to Fr. G I just crossed my hands over my chest for a blessing and went back to my seat. *sigh*
So today I thought, what did Fr. G talk about during the homily anyway?! I couldn't recall the readings at all and knew that I probably only heard one or two words he said during his homily. Thankfully, our parish puts the homilies online for later listening. I definitely needed to revisit what happened. I was really glad I did. (I should probably go back and check out the readings too!)
The gospel reading was the passage where Peter was walking on the water during a big storm and the second he took his eyes off of Jesus and focused on himself and his surroundings, he started sinking.
So, our pastor talked a lot about change, stormy times. Definitely appropriate with what's going on in our lives right now. And definitely appropriate with what is taken place in his life as a pastor and our collective life as a community. It amazes me how he always strikes a chord with me and can speak to what's happening in my life. I will miss that about him.
I know that right now, I'm purposefully not focusing on myself and my surroundings, my situation. There is not much good that would come of it. I am trusting that God has a plan for us. So, right now we live with my parents. Sometimes stuff happens that you don't intend. I don't want to get "caught up in the drama" as Fr. G put it. I refuse to be led by the nose. Rather, I want to be led by the heart. I know that I have love surrounding me. I know that I need to keep my focus on the Lord. He will show us a path; we need to trust in Him, not look at ourselves and our situation, panic and lose focus. He will help us through the storms. HE has a plan.
Fr. G also mentioned our old church back on Wason Road and likened it to a wooden dinghy with cracks and leaks and our new church to a beautiful luxury liner, although not without it's own problems and storms. The part that struck me most from his homily: "It's not the vessel, but it's the wind in the sails - the Holy Spirit. Not a well charted plan it is trust in the One who leads us."* This is what is important. Not the house where we live, not a plan that we chart. What is important is trusting in God. This is what gives me hope.
*Fr. Gary Belliveau, 8/7/11